Impasse

I find myself at an impasse. I am getting older and have long standing obligations and debts to many people. This causes me a great amount of anxiety and stress when dealing or thinking about the future. Although, I must say the burden of the future has been lessening to some extent. I believe it's likely because I have found a middle ground to accept what comes versus what I expect or desire. The counter point is a lady I met. I have met many women in my time but not like this. I have only known her for a short time and it's likely that a volatile mix of hormones and latent dreams and desires have conspired to make me believe that she is incredibly special.
I have always just sort of gone along with things because I have few desires in the world. She is the first person I can think of whom I actively want. This isn't a lustful desire (although there is that) it is a yearning for her person around me. I find myself daydreaming of our future together and what it would be like to have her by my side all the time.

This is where the impasse occurs. If things continue at this current trajectory I would be willing to relinquish past ideas and dreams for the future to be with her. This isn't to say that she is ruining my life or taking my dreams away, but rather, that she has the potential to show me something so very special that my past goals fail to match what I think we could have. Lately, I've been forcing myself to calm down and remind myself of the reality of the situation. I am trying not to be overwhelmed with emotion and instead remain under the prescient guidance of reason. Still, it seems hard not to acknowledge that my desire for her isn't reasonable as well. What is there not to desire? What rational person would deprive themselves of such a pleasure and oppurtunity? It seems to be perfectly reasonable to continue on like I have and that is a bit frightening.

I am absurdly absorbed by this woman. I hope this never changes.

Secondary Education

I've been seeing this argument that "not everyone should go to college" quite often nowadays. It's very strange to me. I mean, I understand the argument. It is saying that not everyone is cut out for academic life and there are opportunities elsewhere. It is saying that college is too expensive and the world needs more carpenters, welders, electricians, etc. The idea is that trade schools teach people valuable skills that will make them a living without incurring a ton of debt and without having to go to school. I get it. I know that there is a lot going for that argument but I have just always felt like there was something malicious hiding behind that argument and today it occurred to me.

A long time ago, colleges and universities did not prepare people for occupations or careers. They were centers of thought and learning. Their entire purpose was to make you a competent, thinking, contributing member of society. After some time the goals of universities and college began to shift into job and money making bullshit. There is a brilliant essay about this but I can't seem to find it now. I'll find the link later. Anyway, the idea behind a college was to make a person less of an idiot. Nothing else.

Now fast forward, and we are talking about fewer and fewer people going to get a good education. "You don't need it. It's too expensive anyway" We are talking about education here. This isn't about jobs or careers or vocations or anything. This is about making sure you aren't a dumb shit scumbag illiterate who votes against your own interests. What I see now, is even educated people promulgating this idea that not everyone should have the same education. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Make higher education too expensive, and keep people from learning about anything substantial. Perhaps, I'm looking too far into this, but it all seems like an elaborate ruse. It is a way of saying that education costs too much and what is important is that you have some bullshit job that keeps you from starving. Everything else in the world is irrelevant. Am I the only one that finds this horrifying? You reduce people's understanding of what's around them and their ability to think critically for some esoteric reason. Now you have an army of brain dead idiots who don't know any better. They can be as mean and stupid and vicious as Hobbes said we are.

In summation, education is a right. We all need it, regardless of what we do. This is so you aren't a useless sack of shit to society. It's 2017. Get with it.

Korea

So I am in Korea now. Yeah, I know, it's crazy. I know no one really reads this but I like to pretend like I have some kind of audience that follows my work. In any case a lot has happened since the last time you checked in.

My band fell apart. It was an unfortunate experience. I did not want to lose my band or my band-mates. We are still on friendly terms as the breakup was done more or less amicably. However, with the dissolution of the band, the one thing keeping me bound to that location, I knew I had to move on. So I did what anyone would do, and I immediately joined a training program to get me into Korea for teaching and within three months of my band's breakup I had started my job in Korea.

Of course, I felt like I had wasted years of my life. I put everything on hold with the silly belief that maybe something could happen with the band. Like, we could "hit it big" or some such thing. Honestly, I never believed we would be a top-tier band travelling the world, but I did think it was possible for us to be a slightly less than top-tier band travelling to other places.

I know I said that I felt like I wasted years of my life, and maybe I did, but I do not regret it. I know that if I didn't give it a full shot, then I would have always wondered what could have been. I could have been that guy from that semi-successful band that played some shows at various places. That would have impressed many of ladies, I'm sure. In any event, I don't lament my decision to stay home because it has provided me valuable experience and some moderately interesting stories.

It was actually pretty convenient timing. I left the country right as Donald Trump got elected. Although, I do worry a little about being somewhere else in the world when a toddler is in charge of the largest military in the world via Twitter. Although, it must be said that the president here in South Korea was just impeached for corruption and such so I guess it just doesn't matter where you go.

Nonsense

I really want to talk more about my previous post, but I feel like the time isn't right. I'm not entirely sure what that means myself, so I'll just revisit it another time. I know it's absurd to write this out but I feel a strange compulsion to do so.

Anyway, I've had this thought lingering for the past few days. It's all or nothing. More specifically, everything means everything, or nothing means anything. I suppose that's not much more specific. Essentially, the idea is that if you cherish anything you should cherish everything or you feel the exact opposite where you cherish nothing because nothing is worth it. Now, I know these are extremes that fall apart under the strict reign of reason but this idea has become unshakable.

You may turn your justified anger at me for saying that my thought was unreasonable yet I cannot disavow it. And I'll take your hostility because it is good and I deserve it. But I believe there must be an emotional argument coming from somewhere in me that I am unable to reason with or even express. It feels as if there is something to be learned from this notion; like this idea is some precious stone mired in the Earth, and I have yet to fully excavate and realize its brilliance. The thought haunts me after every emotion I experience, "This is goodness. Everything is. I must try to understand the beauty in all things." Afterwards, this thought is met with, "Is this possible? Is this reasonable? Would adopting a philosophy like this send me towards enlightenment or am I just a fool?"

I really should try to stick to a theme or a voice or even a point of view in these writings. It feels so much more natural to write around all of these rules I've been taught for so long. That's probably not a good thing but as this is written as a sort of catalogue of thoughts (not quite a diary or journal) I feel like it is isn't too out of line.

In other news, I have been affectionately called, "my little misanthrope" or "mr. misanthrope" and other such names. Affectionately. Really. In my defense I do try to keep this to myself as much as possible. Then I thought of what describes me better than anything I have yet conceived, "A misanthrope searching for enlightenment." The verb choice is important. I am not convinced that, "searching" is the right selection but I will allow myself time to revise. I always do.

Justice (a euphemism for revenge)

I've said this before but no one cares or listens, so I feel like I can say it again with relative impunity. Our view of justice is really a euphemistic desire for revenge. This may seem disagreeable to those of you reading this, but I challenge you to create a thorough argument as to why revenge and justice (as we, as a society, operate under those terms) are truly different. This isn't a rhetorical quest for the audience in which I'm certain of the accuracy of my own belief, but rather a sincere request for the reader.

This election cycle has shown some of the darker sides of humanity that still lurk behind our feigned philanthropic social media posts. For example: There was recently a video, and of course, subsequently a meme, generated comparing the events at a recent Trump rally to what occurred in Little Rock in the '60s. There is no questioning the vitriol and depravity of the individuals who do not hesitate to become violent and aggressive against one whom they oppose (this opposition is often based on salient features such as skin tone, ethnicity, or being discernibly a different race than the aggressive individual). I do not want to spend much time on this post dealing with the obvious racism and xenophobia going on within this election cycle (I'll write about that another time). Instead, I would like to focus on the individuals who are complicit in this degradation of humanity.

First, people with less education tend to be more prone towards violence and xenophobic sentiment. With this in mind, I would like to shift some of the blame behind this fascist, neo-nazi, nationalist fervor on the declining education system here in America. While it is true, that many of these behaviors are learned and even taught from parents or guardians, these prejudices can be overcome with the civilizing/liberating experience granted by a decent education. This decay has resulted in the reinstatement of outdated ideologies and a growing dismissal of difficult concepts. The result is a systemic dumbing down of what was poised to be the most educated and well-versed population in history. Obviously, this isn't the case everywhere in the United States. Places with wealthy populations have more access to private schooling, tutors, better teachers etc. so the promise of education is still kept in these locations. However, disproportionately, poorer pockets of society have to endure this gradual erosion of education, and the result is what we are seeing today.

Now back to the individual. How much blame do we put on a person who does not know better? Do we punish a child for making a mistake it couldn't have known it was making? Ah, this is where you say, "but they should know better!" You're right, they should. But do they? Probably. Hopefully. Though, it is entirely possible they do not. Let us not forget that the Civil Rights Movement is not that far removed from the present. Do you think hundreds of years of bigotry can just be absolved with a few laws? There are many people who have not had access to the education or even culture that is required to fight back against certain taught behaviors. For the record, I do not want to absolve these people of their crimes against humanity.

You may then ask, "What recourse does the one have in dealing with the mob if they are not liable for their actions?" My response may seem equally repressive but we have to try and better understand the mob and its origins. This isn't to say, necessarily, that we treat them like children. Rather, we must not meet their mob with another. We must try to remember what it is like to be afraid and confused, and show compassion towards our fellow man lives every day in a state of bewilderment and ignorance. Do not rejoice in seeing a fool get punished for his behavior. Instead, lament that he had to have ever been a fool. There is no reward for you, or anyone when a mean person is punished for their behavior. Your heart should not fill with glee, when a man loses his life or livelihood because he did not know better.

Then again maybe they did. I'm just saying what I think like every other asshole is. Should you give any more credence to what I'm saying than to what anyone else is? Probably not. I only ask that you give whatever piece of opinionated bullshit you read a thorough consideration. Let reason be your guiding voice.

I'm without body

I would haunt if I could

I'll turn off the lights
Before you can bring them to bed

I'll swing the doors closed
When you enter a room
Frighten every man
Who gets close to you

Daemon

Swinburne

Nova

To lay amongst the bones who sing you to rest
Sleep comes and so follows regret,
So those graves hum that joyous tune
And tell you
you did just fine.